My story

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a very happy person. I'm silly, goofy, and wow, I am weird. I make it a mission to try to make everyone I come across happy. Whether it's family, friends, or strangers, I just don't want to see sadness. I have always been that way, ever since I was young.

If someone sees me sad, they know that something is definitely wrong. So, what if I tell that I know what depression feels like? I know how it is to feel completely and utterly worthless and like life isn't worth living? Because I do.
As I mentioned in my last blog, I've been diagnosed with OCD. However, I was diagnosed with depression and self-injury issues last year. Not many people know that, so I am just starting to open my struggles with. This post isn't really going to focus on anything technically, but more my experience with depression.
I don't know when it started. I can't remember the first day that I felt completely sad and out of control of my feelings. It started sometime last summer. I just didn't want to keep going in my life. I didn't know why I was here on this earth or why I was still alive. What was really devastating was that I had just started a new job that I actually was very excited about. You know how it is when you start a new job, you want to make a good impression? It was so hard for me because I am such a happy person and when I started to go downhill, it's like I had to wear a mask. At my job, I work with several girls who are my age. It was all about making a first impression those first few months; hence, not being a sad, depressed teenage girl.
Another struggle that I was dealing with at the time was self-harm. The first time I cut was with a razor. I honestly can't explain why I first cut. I thought maybe if I could cause more physical pain, that my emotional pain would disappear. Right after I cut for the first time, I went and told my mom because I was upset with myself. She helped me to calm down and helped to adjust my environment so I didn't have any harmful objects around me. Ultimately, my mom told me, it was up to me to control myself to stop. She could take away all of my razors, but she couldn't stop me from going to the store and picking up a package of razors. That was my choice, and I had to use my self-control if I wanted to stop. I did not go get a package of razors. Instead, I found other sources to keep my "addiction" going. One day, I was desperate, I took apart a handheld pencil sharpener and kept the razor from it under a lamp next to my bed. Day after day, I ripped apart my arms, never my legs, stomach, or any other part of my body. I was limited in what I could wear because I refused to wear short sleeve shirts. Mind you, this was still summer time (still warm out). Well, my behavior carried over into the first semester of college and continuing until late November-early December. Through that time, I was seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist who was prescribing some mood stabilizers. Once we found a good mix of medicine and I worked on my sadness, one day, I just wasn't sad anymore. It was like someone flipped a switch. I could function. I could laugh and not worry about the next time I was going to cut. I could be sad, but not dysfunctionally sad that I needed to cut to feel better. I was me. I remember the most freeing moment that I felt free of my depression. Remember that piece of razor I kept next to my bed? Christmas Eve night was the night I threw it away. That evidence, that piece of pain, gone forever; and with it, my worries of cutting again.
I do want to let those out there know, hope is out there. Happiness is out there. I want to quote a few statements that helped me through my bout of depression:
"No one else can play your part." If you leave, no one, NO ONE, will ever replace you
"You, whose voice is someone's favorite voice....nothing would be the same if you did not exist"
"Hope is real"
"Hold on, I'm still alive"

Tonight, I want to end on this note. Please tonight, take a moment to hug your loved ones, call someone you haven't checked in on in a while, let someone know that they are important and no can replace them. Thank you